Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
