As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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