I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
And then he peed in my hair
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