I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
