I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
