I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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