the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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