I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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