hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
