Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
