the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
