At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
