eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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