Sponge bath it is.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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