That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Randomize
