I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
