sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
