I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
