My room smells like vodka and shame
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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