I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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