Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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