The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
