do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
