after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
