I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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