Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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