I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just had sex on a roof
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
