I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
