gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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