Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
