Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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