I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize