Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
