Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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