there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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