During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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