went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
