god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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