If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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