Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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