So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
