We won't sleep together?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
