I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
