I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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