apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
