I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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