I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
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