I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
