when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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