Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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