Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
