Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
