non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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