you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
