About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
