I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
