Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Randomize
