No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
